If your relationship feels like it’s stuck in an endless loop of arguments, your first instinct might be to try couples therapy. And that makes sense – if something isn’t working between two people, working on it together seems like the logical solution.

But when conflict is running high, jumping straight into couples therapy can sometimes do more harm than good. If tensions are constantly bubbling over, sessions can quickly turn into battlegrounds instead of a space for meaningful change and growth as a couple. That’s why, in some cases, individual therapy is the best place to start.

Here are some reasons why it’s sometimes more effective to start (or continue with) individual therapy before beginning couples work.

Each person needs to have solid emotion regulation skills first

For couples therapy to help, both people need to be able to express their emotions without automatically spiralling into blame, defensiveness or full-blown fights.

If conversations often turn into an arguments, or you feel like you’re talking in circles, working on emotional regulation individually first can help. Otherwise, couples therapy might just reinforce frustration and resentment.

Unresolved personal issues can fuel relationship issues

Our past experiences, unresolved pain and ingrained beliefs often shape how we show up in relationships. If one or both partners are carrying painful baggage from the past, it can easily spill over into relationship conflicts.

Individual therapy can help you to:

  • Recognise the triggers that set you off in conflict
  • Process past hurts that are affecting your current relationship
  • Become more aware of unhealthy relationship patterns you may not realise you’re repeating.

When both people do this work, couples therapy has a much better chance of working.

Therapy can become a battleground if you’re not ready

A big risk of diving into couples therapy too early is that sessions can turn into a cycle of blame. Rather than moving towards solutions, partners might use the space to rehash old arguments, seek validation or try to prove the other person wrong.

A couples therapist will of course try to keep the conversation constructive and safe, but if emotions are too high, therapy can just fuel the cycle of conflict instead of breaking it.

Individual therapy gives you the tools to communicate better

Starting with individual therapy gives each person the chance to learn how to communicate better.

With an individual therapist you can work on things like:

  • Taking a pause before reacting
  • Focusing on self-reflection instead of finger pointing or blaming
  • Expressing emotions more clearly and effectively, without escalating conflict
  • Recognising how your past experiences might be shaping how you respond now

When both people develop these skills, couples therapy has a much higher chance of success.

Sometimes you need to figure out what you really want first

Sometimes, high conflict is a symptom of deeper issues – unhealed betrayals, emotional disconnection or even incompatibility. Individual therapy gives you a space to sort through what you truly want first.

If your relationship is stuck in constant conflict, depending on the unique circumstances, we recommend continuing with individual therapy first. When both partners do their own emotional work, couples therapy has a much better chance of helping you build a healthier, happier relationship.